Potty Humor... literally

I am the solitary shitter. It's all I really want in life. I would like to shit in peace with no noise, no one around me and no interruptions. I don't think that's a lot to for ask, really. Whether it be in my own bathroom at home, in a semi-private stall like at work or in a public place... I wish people would just leave me he hell alone when I sit down to take a crap.

At home, my cat thinks that when it's my time for me to take a shit, that is the perfect time to get her pet on. She will come into the bathroom and dance around at my feet and rub on me until I relent and pet her until she's content, then go upon her merry way. Now she's even got her sister doing it, too. But it would be too much to ask for if both of them could be in my tiny bathroom at the same time, oh no, they have to come in one at a time - single file please, and perform this silly ' I want attention now because you're sitting down taking a shit' dance. What's funny is they won't stick around until I'm finished. When the shit drops and they get a whiff of it, their nose wrinkles up, the ears go back and they are out of there! quickly running the other way.

In a public toilet, I don't want to be sitting there trying to do my thing and have to listen to your keys jingling, your cell phone conversation with your whiny ass brat or your the mad fuck that you're planning on in the evening. I don't care. Why you have to come into the toilet with three of your closest friends and continue the same inane conversation about some other woman you hardly know, bitching and moaning, whining and complaining is beyond me. I'm there to leave a deposit and go on about my business. I don't need to know yours.

If people had to show their ass to other people more often, maybe if the concept of vanity and privacy were stripped away from the communal toilet experience making it a real public toilet; no walls, no stalls, just isles of porcelain for all to see, then maybe I could shit in peace. These irritating a-holes would then hopefully become the fastest shitters in the West. Speed shite. No time to dilly dally and make cell phone calls to your mother nor the free world. You'd have to actually pay attention to what you're body is doing and get going.

Maybe the Chinese got it right - squat toilets for all!

Now if we could only do something about the germs...