Reading this made me feel a little bit better about my decision to quit AAG back in March.
I'm not an expert communicator, but I felt something was wrong and that I needed to move away from that feeling. I'm glad I left.
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Monday, September 19, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
And then I was thinking... 02/16/16
They say the essentials we all need are food, shelter and clothing. [...and then the government taxes us for what they provide while we provide some sort of existence/life for our ourselves and our families. Paid taxes in 2015 for the first time in a while.]
But as I was walking back to my home after driving home from work, it hit me that these things are driven by money, emotions, and comfort.
One's ability to earn enough money could either raise or lower the emotional state resulting in a level of comfort in life. Personality and education back it up. Health, whether it be physical or mental is controllable to a certain extent, but for the most part, your health outcome is in the genes you get from your parents. You get what you get healthwise, from genetics, unless you smoke, drink, or take/abuse drugs and food and don't choose to move your body in vigorus ways to help build muscle and remove the toxins then the results or the lack thereof - you did to yourself and your genes did it to you. [Yes, I have Crohn's disease, but changing jobs has changed my commute and my stress level is down due to less of a commute, up to new surrounding and standards to get re-acquainted with on job tasks I'm already familiar with and working for a manager that actually cares to manage, but change is good.]
And then I was thinking, that, "Isn't it enough to be a good person?" ...as I drive home on the "freeway" in this car, with this amazing horsepower as I grasp the steering wheel, this conveyance I'm seated in, that others, too, are seated in as we travel to our destinations and in my mind's eye/imagination- the exterior of the cars melted away and all people commuting on the freeway were seated floating in a dimly glowing interior blue light with powertrain and frame assuming the driving position with hands on their steering wheels, no upholstery with tires-this technology that really hasn't changed all that much in over 100 years [but to make it faster, safer, use less gas, or another fuel, but really at what cost to our environment if the power to make that alternate fuel was derived from fossil fuel?] and when we as humans end up using up all of the fossil fuels this world has, would we then need to worry about the need to expand our roadways or instead how they scarred the earth, contributed to global warming and how they'll need to be deconstructed?
No, it's not enough to be a good person if you're not exhibiting that goodness for someone else other than yourself to recognize, witness and benefit from. Hence we reward the leaders in their field - whatever they may be and punish those who don't meet society's expectations of what is good and right and true and sometimes - most of the time - logical.
If people were forced to work and live only within the areas that their feet could carry them, how many could? Could one's life be richer and still not have to worry financially?
And to think the fact that management tools are being rolled out to my team tomorrow. And I'm so excited, I can't sleep.
But as I was walking back to my home after driving home from work, it hit me that these things are driven by money, emotions, and comfort.
One's ability to earn enough money could either raise or lower the emotional state resulting in a level of comfort in life. Personality and education back it up. Health, whether it be physical or mental is controllable to a certain extent, but for the most part, your health outcome is in the genes you get from your parents. You get what you get healthwise, from genetics, unless you smoke, drink, or take/abuse drugs and food and don't choose to move your body in vigorus ways to help build muscle and remove the toxins then the results or the lack thereof - you did to yourself and your genes did it to you. [Yes, I have Crohn's disease, but changing jobs has changed my commute and my stress level is down due to less of a commute, up to new surrounding and standards to get re-acquainted with on job tasks I'm already familiar with and working for a manager that actually cares to manage, but change is good.]
And then I was thinking, that, "Isn't it enough to be a good person?" ...as I drive home on the "freeway" in this car, with this amazing horsepower as I grasp the steering wheel, this conveyance I'm seated in, that others, too, are seated in as we travel to our destinations and in my mind's eye/imagination- the exterior of the cars melted away and all people commuting on the freeway were seated floating in a dimly glowing interior blue light with powertrain and frame assuming the driving position with hands on their steering wheels, no upholstery with tires-this technology that really hasn't changed all that much in over 100 years [but to make it faster, safer, use less gas, or another fuel, but really at what cost to our environment if the power to make that alternate fuel was derived from fossil fuel?] and when we as humans end up using up all of the fossil fuels this world has, would we then need to worry about the need to expand our roadways or instead how they scarred the earth, contributed to global warming and how they'll need to be deconstructed?
No, it's not enough to be a good person if you're not exhibiting that goodness for someone else other than yourself to recognize, witness and benefit from. Hence we reward the leaders in their field - whatever they may be and punish those who don't meet society's expectations of what is good and right and true and sometimes - most of the time - logical.
If people were forced to work and live only within the areas that their feet could carry them, how many could? Could one's life be richer and still not have to worry financially?
And to think the fact that management tools are being rolled out to my team tomorrow. And I'm so excited, I can't sleep.
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Look of Love
So I went to Costco after dropping my son off at work on Saturday afternoon and fueling up at Costco gas. My goal was to buy more of their Kirkland brand lean ham luncheon meat. After retrieving a cart, I entered the store and made my way to the aisle when it's sold in the refrigerator case aisle. I don't know if it was on sale or not, but they were giving out samples which was welcomed.
After retrieving the ham from the refrigerator, I turned my cart around and attempted to travel back past the corner I came from to get back to the main hall and when I did, briefly, (the next sequence of events happened in seconds, mere moments) I couldn't move my cart forward because some kids were in the way blocking me with a cart of their own. I then looked up and off to the left I saw a man - a tall man with light skin, long brown wavy hair with his back to me looking off to the right - could have been a doppelganger for thinner Bradley Cooper. I may have sighed seeing this attractive male specimen, but again barely could move forward. And then another man, a Persian man, off to my right must have seen the look of love in my eyes and introduced himself to me as Joe after saying to me, "You've got beautiful eyes." I didn't feel beautiful, rather a hot sweaty mess. It was almost 100 degrees outside, and I had my hair up in a ponytail, was dressed in a tie-died tank top and 3/4 black pants and black Skechers, no socks. I could only assume he thought I was Persian, too, his mistake. And then, the most unwelcomed event happened after I gave him a cursory look to acknowledge where the conversation came from... an unattractive man in his 50-60's, overweight with severe acne scars all over his face, he asked me to dinner. I couldn't barely hear him over the noise of the group of people I was standing next to listening to a blender demonstration and told him, "I don't understand what you're saying". His reply: I'm not a killer, I'm just a human being. A major creepy feeling swept over me like I was unsafe even in the mass of humanity shopping around me inside Costco on a saturday afternoon. I scurried away into the crowd and didn't look back.
After retrieving the ham from the refrigerator, I turned my cart around and attempted to travel back past the corner I came from to get back to the main hall and when I did, briefly, (the next sequence of events happened in seconds, mere moments) I couldn't move my cart forward because some kids were in the way blocking me with a cart of their own. I then looked up and off to the left I saw a man - a tall man with light skin, long brown wavy hair with his back to me looking off to the right - could have been a doppelganger for thinner Bradley Cooper. I may have sighed seeing this attractive male specimen, but again barely could move forward. And then another man, a Persian man, off to my right must have seen the look of love in my eyes and introduced himself to me as Joe after saying to me, "You've got beautiful eyes." I didn't feel beautiful, rather a hot sweaty mess. It was almost 100 degrees outside, and I had my hair up in a ponytail, was dressed in a tie-died tank top and 3/4 black pants and black Skechers, no socks. I could only assume he thought I was Persian, too, his mistake. And then, the most unwelcomed event happened after I gave him a cursory look to acknowledge where the conversation came from... an unattractive man in his 50-60's, overweight with severe acne scars all over his face, he asked me to dinner. I couldn't barely hear him over the noise of the group of people I was standing next to listening to a blender demonstration and told him, "I don't understand what you're saying". His reply: I'm not a killer, I'm just a human being. A major creepy feeling swept over me like I was unsafe even in the mass of humanity shopping around me inside Costco on a saturday afternoon. I scurried away into the crowd and didn't look back.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Things that aren't here anymore
PBS is a wonderful thing. Recently, they have been showing a two show series called, "Things that aren't here anymore" as well as "More things that aren't here anymore" chronicling businesses and landmarks that are long gone in around the general Los Angeles area.
Sometimes, when I find an address on a U.S. Census or other genealogy record, I'll look it up on Google Maps. Which got me to thinking, "What would people see if they look up the places where I lived?" in the future.
Well, when it comes to the addresses where I grew up, they're not going to see much. The first three houses I lived in for any significant amount of time were razed.
7410 Tokay was a 5 and a half acre rancho with a one bedroom house at the front of the property with no neighbors to the north, none across the street and one to the south - The Beers, who also had a farm when I lived there. After my dad sold to a contractor, the property was developed into a subdivision.
The years my mother decided to rent a room from other people, I really don't consider those places to have been my homes. The places we lived on Redwood and on Grammercy Place in Riverside were not ours and felt very temporary to me.
8412 Alder was, I believe, the original house to the double lot. The garage was converted to the living room by the time I l lived there. A workshop and an additional home at the back of the lot were as old as the house I lived in. This house was razed (which I'm glad it was because it and the attached cellar were haunted.)
14966 1/2 Randall was a home behind another home accessible by a driveway to the left of the main house. After a fire years after I moved away, the house was razed.
The last house I lived in before moving to Orange County 22 years ago still exists, but instead of the backyard looking out onto a field, that field is now an elementary school.
The one thing I wanted so much for my son, that my mother could not seem to provide for me and my brother, was a stable home life as we moved every 3-4 years when growing up. If home is where the heart is, mine is where I bought my own and no one can take away the feelings homeownership has brought me.
Which is probably why I get a cold feeling when thinking about where I grew up and even going to my high school reunion. It's been 30 years since my high school graduation and I don't see the need to look back and reminisce.
Sometimes, when I find an address on a U.S. Census or other genealogy record, I'll look it up on Google Maps. Which got me to thinking, "What would people see if they look up the places where I lived?" in the future.
Well, when it comes to the addresses where I grew up, they're not going to see much. The first three houses I lived in for any significant amount of time were razed.
7410 Tokay was a 5 and a half acre rancho with a one bedroom house at the front of the property with no neighbors to the north, none across the street and one to the south - The Beers, who also had a farm when I lived there. After my dad sold to a contractor, the property was developed into a subdivision.
The years my mother decided to rent a room from other people, I really don't consider those places to have been my homes. The places we lived on Redwood and on Grammercy Place in Riverside were not ours and felt very temporary to me.
8412 Alder was, I believe, the original house to the double lot. The garage was converted to the living room by the time I l lived there. A workshop and an additional home at the back of the lot were as old as the house I lived in. This house was razed (which I'm glad it was because it and the attached cellar were haunted.)
14966 1/2 Randall was a home behind another home accessible by a driveway to the left of the main house. After a fire years after I moved away, the house was razed.
The last house I lived in before moving to Orange County 22 years ago still exists, but instead of the backyard looking out onto a field, that field is now an elementary school.
The one thing I wanted so much for my son, that my mother could not seem to provide for me and my brother, was a stable home life as we moved every 3-4 years when growing up. If home is where the heart is, mine is where I bought my own and no one can take away the feelings homeownership has brought me.
Which is probably why I get a cold feeling when thinking about where I grew up and even going to my high school reunion. It's been 30 years since my high school graduation and I don't see the need to look back and reminisce.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
GO!
Conversion at work is almost complete. It's been a busy three weeks for me to get there. My boss cut off the OT this week so that I can work on Saturday morning and reconcile then instead of on Monday. But I found out Friday that it really didn't matter.
Friday, I wanted to get up early and watch the Royal Wedding, but I decided to record it instead so
I could get up at my normal time. And then I woke up early anyway. So I watched it and then went to work.
So Friday at work, the last day of conversion, I'm pretty much a zombie. No amount of hot black English tea was working to keep my senses keen. And I'm an ogre without my required minimum 6 hours of sleep. So, recapping... Friday, I was a zombie ogre due to lack of sleep. By the time I got home, the caffeine finally kicked in and was wired for sound and couldn't fall sleep for awhile even though I was fatigued.
Saturday morning, I went to work from 8AM to 12PM. I checked reports and did a bunch of manual processes that I probably could have done on Monday morning, but I wanted to be present and accounted for 'for the team'.
Amid all this end of month/conversion activity, I received an email notification that there is a job opening for me, especially me and my employment experience, in Irvine. Open positions for the type of job I perform are rare. And this one is 7 miles from my home. That would cut my 40 mile/up to two hours a day one-way commute down by 33 miles. If I get this job, I wouldn't even have to take the freeway if I didn't want to. I sent in my resume.
Yahoo.com reported Bin Laden was killed. 9-11 affected my work in 2001 as I was employed with Banker's Trust at the time. I think that the public should be cautious and not breathe that sigh of relief too deeply because there is sure to be someone else in his ranks ready to react in retaliation.
Friday, I wanted to get up early and watch the Royal Wedding, but I decided to record it instead so
I could get up at my normal time. And then I woke up early anyway. So I watched it and then went to work.
So Friday at work, the last day of conversion, I'm pretty much a zombie. No amount of hot black English tea was working to keep my senses keen. And I'm an ogre without my required minimum 6 hours of sleep. So, recapping... Friday, I was a zombie ogre due to lack of sleep. By the time I got home, the caffeine finally kicked in and was wired for sound and couldn't fall sleep for awhile even though I was fatigued.
Saturday morning, I went to work from 8AM to 12PM. I checked reports and did a bunch of manual processes that I probably could have done on Monday morning, but I wanted to be present and accounted for 'for the team'.
Amid all this end of month/conversion activity, I received an email notification that there is a job opening for me, especially me and my employment experience, in Irvine. Open positions for the type of job I perform are rare. And this one is 7 miles from my home. That would cut my 40 mile/up to two hours a day one-way commute down by 33 miles. If I get this job, I wouldn't even have to take the freeway if I didn't want to. I sent in my resume.
Yahoo.com reported Bin Laden was killed. 9-11 affected my work in 2001 as I was employed with Banker's Trust at the time. I think that the public should be cautious and not breathe that sigh of relief too deeply because there is sure to be someone else in his ranks ready to react in retaliation.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Funky
I've been in a funk lately. I think it's a combination of things that are effecting my moods: my job, turning 44, getting my Crohn's under control, not getting out of life what I thought I wanted in so much as a career goes and being lonely. Social anxiety makes me shy and nervous around groups of unfamiliar people. It's amazing to me that some people that have come to my attention recently are worse off than me financially and still somehow function. I guess I'm at a point where I don't have anything to really live for and the question, "What's next?", is being waved furiously in my face and I'm avoiding the answer for fear of my own disappointment and that feeds my procrastination. I've always been one to do just enough to get by and I've been happy with that, but since now I don't even feel like doing that... funk. Funkity, funk, funk.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Life, Part 2
A friend called me last night and wanted to talk about a situation he's in. Sadly, after hearing his plight, what he's going through is nothing new and it's something I have heard men complain about before. After years of marriage, his wife is unhappy and won't take action herself to fix a sexual dysfunction in their relationship. And she thinks that the problem is everything else but her own behavior. She points fingers at this, that or the other thing and the man is at a loss because he can't fix her. This situation my friend's in is compounded by the fact that his wife is quickly loosing her identity as a mother because her son is 18, grown and not a baby anymore and she doesn't know what to do with herself now. She's had the luxury of being a housewife and now she has no one to fuss over but her husband and she knows if she fusses over him, he's going to take it as she's interested in him sexually and she's not. So she doesn't put forth any affection whatsoever to show him she loves him anymore. He's at that certain point of frustration where something's got to change.
I was glad to hear he said he has an appointment to go to counseling with her because he thinks his marriage to her is worth working on, but if she turns marriage counseling down and refuses to go, it makes you wonder what's going on in her head and her life that he doesn't know about because he's at work.
I was glad to hear he said he has an appointment to go to counseling with her because he thinks his marriage to her is worth working on, but if she turns marriage counseling down and refuses to go, it makes you wonder what's going on in her head and her life that he doesn't know about because he's at work.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bleak
It's not the most wonderful time of the year. It's the bleak dating season. Ever since November hit, no man is choosing to communicate with me. ACK. I know it's the holidays that's doing it and it will probably continue like this until Christmas is over. Why? There's nothing worse than having to spend time with someone you don't like all that much or even to have to buy a present for them. Yeah, I get that. And then once NYE rolls around, it's you're choice to either sleep through it or share it with someone.What am I feeling now? Just cold and lonely, but I won't settle for anything less than someone who is worthy of my love and affections. So stop messaging me Spaniard. It just ain't gonna happen. Nor with your freaky footie friend either.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Daily Affirmation
Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
So Not "The One"
Sadomasochistic. I dated a man recently who exhibited this trait but was in denial it was what it was and I had to stop because his style of sexual talk creeped me out to the point where it left me feeling paranoid instead of an object of his love and affection. I thought that there wasn't enough trust and too much risk involved to my personal safety that I could bear and I couldn't allow that line to be crossed. After numerous sessions of hours of verbal foreplay and continual miscommunication about meeting up over a two month period, my hope for any type of healthy relationship with him died. His choice of verbiage was frequently repulsive and violent.
The three dates we had in the beginning were normal, nice and fine. But after that, I felt an increasing amount of pressure from him to hide the fact that we were involved and I won't be put into that situation. I'm a 43 year old grown woman and I see no need to "sneak around." I just don't feel the need to be devious. Life is too short. But now knowing what he has to hide, if I were him, I wouldn't want my kids to know either. Treating women like he wants to is not a lesson I'd be proud to pass down from father to son.
I feel sorry for any woman who gets into a dominating relationship such as he desires. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised to hear his name on the evening news one day as a rape suspect. And he picked 'me' from am online dating website. Knowing that these kinds of men would maybe target me has shaken my confidence in dating....and he called *me* quirky.
The three dates we had in the beginning were normal, nice and fine. But after that, I felt an increasing amount of pressure from him to hide the fact that we were involved and I won't be put into that situation. I'm a 43 year old grown woman and I see no need to "sneak around." I just don't feel the need to be devious. Life is too short. But now knowing what he has to hide, if I were him, I wouldn't want my kids to know either. Treating women like he wants to is not a lesson I'd be proud to pass down from father to son.
I feel sorry for any woman who gets into a dominating relationship such as he desires. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised to hear his name on the evening news one day as a rape suspect. And he picked 'me' from am online dating website. Knowing that these kinds of men would maybe target me has shaken my confidence in dating....and he called *me* quirky.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I - Me - My
A friend pointed out that my ex-bf was a form of narcissist and it struck a chord with me. I have actually dated a number of different men who fit this profile. Could I be a male narcissist magnet?
One incessantly discussed what he does and what he likes as well as what he liked and did, promptly announced his departure and left the scene. It was almost humorous when I started to talk about my work as he nodded off immediately before his departure. See ya, dude!
One talked about how he felt he should have been born long ago in an era when things were simpler. A tinkerer and trying to deengineer things. These are the men that will spend hours upon untold hours dealing with things that don't mean much to anyone else but them. They are less harmless, but still egocentric.
The third one recognized he was lonely in his self-fulfilled world and 'wanted to share his good fortune and his life with someone special'. Dear God, if you see this phrase anywhere online in a dating profile, save yourself the heartache... just close it and go to the next one. This one is disguised as self-cented work-aholic and you will spend many lonely nights waiting for him to find time for you that rarely comes. Good luck.
And yet another was all about how great he is, what his feelings were and what he wanted and how it was your job to fulfill him because you're the girl de jour. Oh, brother. Needy needy needy!
So what did they have in common? Educated professionals respected in their field and appeared to be able to function within society, but could not seem to sustain normal relations with a female. They are interesting to talk to initially, possibly even entertaining, so you engage them. I really wonder how they grow into being this way. Are these men looking ultimately for a nurturing mother figure... a relationship they did not get from their own mother as children? Or are they so highly prized in their own little heads from the BS that everyone feeds them that they think no one woman is ever truly perfect and they continue a fruitless search for someone who doesn't exist. It's sad really.
One incessantly discussed what he does and what he likes as well as what he liked and did, promptly announced his departure and left the scene. It was almost humorous when I started to talk about my work as he nodded off immediately before his departure. See ya, dude!
One talked about how he felt he should have been born long ago in an era when things were simpler. A tinkerer and trying to deengineer things. These are the men that will spend hours upon untold hours dealing with things that don't mean much to anyone else but them. They are less harmless, but still egocentric.
The third one recognized he was lonely in his self-fulfilled world and 'wanted to share his good fortune and his life with someone special'. Dear God, if you see this phrase anywhere online in a dating profile, save yourself the heartache... just close it and go to the next one. This one is disguised as self-cented work-aholic and you will spend many lonely nights waiting for him to find time for you that rarely comes. Good luck.
And yet another was all about how great he is, what his feelings were and what he wanted and how it was your job to fulfill him because you're the girl de jour. Oh, brother. Needy needy needy!
So what did they have in common? Educated professionals respected in their field and appeared to be able to function within society, but could not seem to sustain normal relations with a female. They are interesting to talk to initially, possibly even entertaining, so you engage them. I really wonder how they grow into being this way. Are these men looking ultimately for a nurturing mother figure... a relationship they did not get from their own mother as children? Or are they so highly prized in their own little heads from the BS that everyone feeds them that they think no one woman is ever truly perfect and they continue a fruitless search for someone who doesn't exist. It's sad really.
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