I live in an apartment complex that was built in 1964 and went condo in 1971. I bought this 2 bedroom / two bath unit because 1) it was in the same neighborhood I was living in for the past 8 years which allowed me to keep my son in the same school he was attending and, 2) it was dirt cheap as I got it in an auction from HUD in 1999 for $90,567. I live on the corner and have the biggest legal patio of all my neighbors. When I walked into the place for the first time I could see the good bones and tried really hard to overlook pepto-bismol pink walls, no carpet and lots of details that were needed to make this functional for a family to live there. I liked the fact that I didn't have to be responsible for the outside paint, the roof or the gardening. These things were all paid for out of my association dues as well as water and trash - that's the bonus you get with living in a condo. The one thing that was initially weird for me to get used to is that there was no gas. Heating, hot water and cooking were all electric. Now I'm used to it and I even prefer to cook with electric over gas especially when I bake. The edible results are so much more predictable and successful in an electric powered oven.
So, prior to me moving into my humble abode, I quickly had to paint, carpet and make sure that at least one of the two bathrooms worked. Brian helped me paint, and I ran around to every discount carpet outlet I could find on tile row in Anaheim until I settled on New York Carpets which did a fine job with better quality carpet than I hoped for, but lost my gate clicker during the installation process.
I had been previously sharing a bedroom with my son so I didn't even have a bed of my own. I slept on an air mattress for about 6 weeks until I could afford to buy a bed of my own. I lucked out in my timing joining Bankers Trust and had received a bonus for them meeting their sales goal one year and with that money, I went out and bought a couch, love seat from the attic/clearance floor of McMahon's Furniture on time and a dining room table and chairs from Ikea (which I still have to this day). I later went back to that same McMahon's and bought an oak square coffee table.
So over time, I have been working on little things around the place. I installed my shower door, but it took me a few years because there was this weird angle to tackle and I wasn't sure how I was going to do that. I finally decided to add a strip of painted molding and that made the opening perpendicular again. I changed out all of the light fixtures except for the combo fan and light in the dining room. I had to get new glass for that. I had to buy a crazy number of handles and pulls because they were gone. Eventually, I installed a garbage disposal and a dishwasher, too.
My last item to change was the faucets in both bathrooms and the kitchen, too. And I don't know how many times I've changed that shower head to something that I finally like. I never knew there were so many choices of shower heads in my life.
Now, I'm at a point where the little things are working and the big things that need to be updated are obvious to me. I need a new kitchen. I need a kitchen with maxed out cabinets for storage and a place for a tankless hot water heater, a dishwasher and a European style single unit washer/dryer. That means I need a plumber and an electrician, but not before I plan the kitchen. And not before I change out all the windows and sliding glass doors because I can't get the cabinets into the positions I want then without a tiny bit more wall space. And the sliding glass doors are not standard and I hate that. You can't buy non-standard sizes of screen doors and that is such a pain.
So here is my to-do list in order:
Kitchen & bedroom:
1) two new sliding glass doors in the back. These need to be moved toward the east. That will give me more wall space in the diving room for cabinetry.
Livingroom & front bedroom:
2) new windows in the front. Something dual pane and tinted to help take the heat and noise down a couple of notches.
Kitchen:
3)plan for the kitchen
4) demo the kitchen , buy the cabinets, hardware, new sink, and the tankless hot water heater. Install a new tile floor.
5) call the electrician
5) call the plumber to add pipes for the washer and the new tankless hot water heater
6) Install the cabinets and the tankless hot water heater
7) buy a new kitchen table and chairs and maybe a chopping block. Paint.
Main Bathroom:
8) plan for the new main bathroom. Locate and buy the new tub, sink and toilet.
9) demo the bathroom. repair the plaster walls.
9a) call the carpenter for the custom cabinet installation, rough out the tub area and tile.
10) call the electrician to rewire the exhaust fan to the light and install the motor for the tub. Up the amps for the circuit in the breaker box.
11) call the plumber to relocate the pipes for the new tub. replace all shut-off valves. Paint.
12) install the new toilet
Master bathroom:
13) plan for master bathroom
14) cut out the angular wall, greenboard and retile. demo the rest.
15) install new glass wall and door. new floor. new pedestal sink to make it more spacious. install new toilet.
16) install heat lamp new fan, create a cabinet over the toilet.
I still have to landscape the patio, too! But after all that work, the place will be nice, ready for sale and livable for maybe another 20 years.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl 43
I had the pleasure of watching the Super Bowl this year with a professional football coach. Oh yeah, even his email address says he's a coach. It was a kick to hear him call out the plays before the commentators did. We ate homemade guacamole and drank mimosas throughout the game. I also got to talk to him about all that is going on in his life and remodeling my home. I normally don't like sales people, but he turned out to be not as obnoxious as I thought he'd be. Would I see him again? Probably not because of "GU"... geographically undesirable or in other words. lives to damned far away. NEXT!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Reunions
I was born in 1966 in Long Beach, California. My father worked as a machinist primarily in the aerospace industry and my mother was a bank teller up until the point I was born. Before I was two years old, my dad had bought five and a half acres on Tokay Avenue near Baseline and we moved there living in a tiny farm house. My neighbor to the south was the Beer's Farm and to the north across the street was an egg ranch. Growing up, I lived on a working ranch with an ever changing array of animals. After I started school, my playmates were the animals in my yard or classmates that lived on Citrus and further. I took boiled goose eggs to school for snack time. After school, I would cross the field and play at the Hotyek's house. We'd play board games after school as well as cards and school. Karen was a classmate and her older sisters sometimes were my babysitters. I remember in first grade I had to go to Janice Taylor's house because we had the same lunchbox and picked up the wrong one when leaving school. I remember going to Monique Pinkerton's house in order to participate in BlueJays which was a sort of junior girl scouts troupe for girls.
After my parents were divorced when I was 7, I went to many different schools in Fontana. Juniper, South Tamarind, Jurupa, Fontana Jr. High and Sequoia Jr. High, too. In 1981, at Fontana High School I was a Sophomore as was the rest of my class. 9th grade was still housed at the junior high school level at that time.
I graduated high school in 1984 and our class's biggest worry was what the future had in store for us as a gloomy piece of literature written years before hung in our conscientiousness. The last thing on my mind was if I was ever going to see the people I had gone to high school with as my immediate need was to find my own mental clarity and what my purpose in the world was going to be. The day after I graduated from high school, I was 17 years old and moved miles and miles away from everything that was familiar to me to make a fresh start and gain some perspective on what I had experienced growing up in a broken home with fractured, imperfect people as parents.
By 1994, I had lived in a number of cities, but settled in Tustin, California, near where I was working for an investment bank making a career for myself in the financial industry and a home for my son. It never occurred to me that 45 miles and two counties away my name was on a list as part of a reunion plan because I never received an invitation.
In 2004, I had bought a home, was working at another job in the same industry and my son was a junior in high school when I received the notice that my graduating class was going to reunite. After twenty years, I had not made any effort to stay in contact with anyone from my high school days and my best friend was living in Kansas. I had little interest in seeing classmates that probably barely remembered me.
So now in 2009, I was recruited to participate in the 25th anniversary of my class reunion as a member of the committee. To be continued after the reunion takes place...
After my parents were divorced when I was 7, I went to many different schools in Fontana. Juniper, South Tamarind, Jurupa, Fontana Jr. High and Sequoia Jr. High, too. In 1981, at Fontana High School I was a Sophomore as was the rest of my class. 9th grade was still housed at the junior high school level at that time.
I graduated high school in 1984 and our class's biggest worry was what the future had in store for us as a gloomy piece of literature written years before hung in our conscientiousness. The last thing on my mind was if I was ever going to see the people I had gone to high school with as my immediate need was to find my own mental clarity and what my purpose in the world was going to be. The day after I graduated from high school, I was 17 years old and moved miles and miles away from everything that was familiar to me to make a fresh start and gain some perspective on what I had experienced growing up in a broken home with fractured, imperfect people as parents.
By 1994, I had lived in a number of cities, but settled in Tustin, California, near where I was working for an investment bank making a career for myself in the financial industry and a home for my son. It never occurred to me that 45 miles and two counties away my name was on a list as part of a reunion plan because I never received an invitation.
In 2004, I had bought a home, was working at another job in the same industry and my son was a junior in high school when I received the notice that my graduating class was going to reunite. After twenty years, I had not made any effort to stay in contact with anyone from my high school days and my best friend was living in Kansas. I had little interest in seeing classmates that probably barely remembered me.
So now in 2009, I was recruited to participate in the 25th anniversary of my class reunion as a member of the committee. To be continued after the reunion takes place...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A blast from the past
As the 25th year anniversary of my high school graduation occurs this year, it got me thinking about all of the people I went to school with. These are some names of people that I went to school with and I'm wondering where they are today:
Karen Hotyek
Janice Taylor
Cheryl Sirback
Donna White
David Collins
Joe Trujillo
Belinda Higland
Diana Colantuano
Yvonne Sabala
Sherry Holm
Amy Paulson
Elizabeth Montes - Found! Rialto, CA, happily married with 4 kids.
Melody Stagner - Found! Apple Valley, CA, and a grandmother!
Karen Hotyek
Janice Taylor
Cheryl Sirback
Donna White
David Collins
Joe Trujillo
Belinda Higland
Diana Colantuano
Yvonne Sabala
Sherry Holm
Amy Paulson
Elizabeth Montes - Found! Rialto, CA, happily married with 4 kids.
Melody Stagner - Found! Apple Valley, CA, and a grandmother!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Cable vs. Satellite
Cable vs. Satellite. When the Time Warner Sales Rep finally tracked me down at my front door, he told me he could reduce my monthly bill if I switched my cable away from Directv. For me, it came down to the money in my pocket. I did the math and finally succombed to the fact that cable+internet bundle=savings for me. I wasn't happy about it because I enjoyed my reliable service, but there it was on paper in black and white. If I went with Time Warner Cable (internet+basic cable/locals/Showtime hd receiver/hd dvr), I was going to save about $30 a month over Directv (with locals, basic, and a Showtime package).
Old - Cable Internet 46.95 + Directv 72.98 = 119.93
New - Bundled Cable Internet + TV = 89.00
Monthly Savings = 30.93
So we set a date for the installation and I didn't really think about it much at all until the day came. The time rolled around and the installer contacted me to verify the location and direction. Fine. He got to my home and didn't even come to the front door. I found him at my patio door because the neighbor's damn dog was barking again, so that irratated me. He then examined where the internet cable was located and came into the house, asked me for a ladder and told me he would run the cable around my front door. NO. I live in a condo and I can't have the wiring like that. I said the wire was previously ran in the attic, so thats where it needs to go. Oh, he didn't like that. Then he went out onto my patio and said he would cut my directv line to install the cable, and I said NO, that's my property. The cable company was supposed to do a full install and not damage my directv because if I want to get rid of cable, then I can reconnect my directv. I told him he needed to run the line into the hole I previously made and he said he couldn't? Oh, my god. We ran around arguing for a good 30 minutes and I finally came to the conclusion he wasn't prepared for the installation and didn't want to go into my attic. My son left the house so he didn't have to listen to me tell this guy what he needed to do, but wasn't. He called his supervisor, and he went to the next job.
I was left angry and without cable. So the supervisor shows up at my door and I explain that the first guy came and he was arguementative, unprepared to preform the installation because he came without supplies and equipment and ultimately did not want to go into the attic to make the connection. He looked at everything again, asked where the connections should be and left to get supplies. Again, not prepared to do the installation. The supervisor came back with a ladder and coaxil and ran the lines in my attic like I asked, dropped the line in my closet, but left me with the duty to get it through the wall which was fine, and then the first guy shows up again with the hd receiver/dvr and installs that. He put the sound through my tv instead of the stereo, but I didn't care that this point, I just wanted him out. I was still irratated, hungry, and had other things to still to do.
So my appointment lasted over three hours with four visits from two people installing my cable tv. I finally got what I wanted with a new drop in the bedroom and a drop in the service hole that was already in the wall in the living room.
Old - Cable Internet 46.95 + Directv 72.98 = 119.93
New - Bundled Cable Internet + TV = 89.00
Monthly Savings = 30.93
So we set a date for the installation and I didn't really think about it much at all until the day came. The time rolled around and the installer contacted me to verify the location and direction. Fine. He got to my home and didn't even come to the front door. I found him at my patio door because the neighbor's damn dog was barking again, so that irratated me. He then examined where the internet cable was located and came into the house, asked me for a ladder and told me he would run the cable around my front door. NO. I live in a condo and I can't have the wiring like that. I said the wire was previously ran in the attic, so thats where it needs to go. Oh, he didn't like that. Then he went out onto my patio and said he would cut my directv line to install the cable, and I said NO, that's my property. The cable company was supposed to do a full install and not damage my directv because if I want to get rid of cable, then I can reconnect my directv. I told him he needed to run the line into the hole I previously made and he said he couldn't? Oh, my god. We ran around arguing for a good 30 minutes and I finally came to the conclusion he wasn't prepared for the installation and didn't want to go into my attic. My son left the house so he didn't have to listen to me tell this guy what he needed to do, but wasn't. He called his supervisor, and he went to the next job.
I was left angry and without cable. So the supervisor shows up at my door and I explain that the first guy came and he was arguementative, unprepared to preform the installation because he came without supplies and equipment and ultimately did not want to go into the attic to make the connection. He looked at everything again, asked where the connections should be and left to get supplies. Again, not prepared to do the installation. The supervisor came back with a ladder and coaxil and ran the lines in my attic like I asked, dropped the line in my closet, but left me with the duty to get it through the wall which was fine, and then the first guy shows up again with the hd receiver/dvr and installs that. He put the sound through my tv instead of the stereo, but I didn't care that this point, I just wanted him out. I was still irratated, hungry, and had other things to still to do.
So my appointment lasted over three hours with four visits from two people installing my cable tv. I finally got what I wanted with a new drop in the bedroom and a drop in the service hole that was already in the wall in the living room.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I - Me - My
A friend pointed out that my ex-bf was a form of narcissist and it struck a chord with me. I have actually dated a number of different men who fit this profile. Could I be a male narcissist magnet?
One incessantly discussed what he does and what he likes as well as what he liked and did, promptly announced his departure and left the scene. It was almost humorous when I started to talk about my work as he nodded off immediately before his departure. See ya, dude!
One talked about how he felt he should have been born long ago in an era when things were simpler. A tinkerer and trying to deengineer things. These are the men that will spend hours upon untold hours dealing with things that don't mean much to anyone else but them. They are less harmless, but still egocentric.
The third one recognized he was lonely in his self-fulfilled world and 'wanted to share his good fortune and his life with someone special'. Dear God, if you see this phrase anywhere online in a dating profile, save yourself the heartache... just close it and go to the next one. This one is disguised as self-cented work-aholic and you will spend many lonely nights waiting for him to find time for you that rarely comes. Good luck.
And yet another was all about how great he is, what his feelings were and what he wanted and how it was your job to fulfill him because you're the girl de jour. Oh, brother. Needy needy needy!
So what did they have in common? Educated professionals respected in their field and appeared to be able to function within society, but could not seem to sustain normal relations with a female. They are interesting to talk to initially, possibly even entertaining, so you engage them. I really wonder how they grow into being this way. Are these men looking ultimately for a nurturing mother figure... a relationship they did not get from their own mother as children? Or are they so highly prized in their own little heads from the BS that everyone feeds them that they think no one woman is ever truly perfect and they continue a fruitless search for someone who doesn't exist. It's sad really.
One incessantly discussed what he does and what he likes as well as what he liked and did, promptly announced his departure and left the scene. It was almost humorous when I started to talk about my work as he nodded off immediately before his departure. See ya, dude!
One talked about how he felt he should have been born long ago in an era when things were simpler. A tinkerer and trying to deengineer things. These are the men that will spend hours upon untold hours dealing with things that don't mean much to anyone else but them. They are less harmless, but still egocentric.
The third one recognized he was lonely in his self-fulfilled world and 'wanted to share his good fortune and his life with someone special'. Dear God, if you see this phrase anywhere online in a dating profile, save yourself the heartache... just close it and go to the next one. This one is disguised as self-cented work-aholic and you will spend many lonely nights waiting for him to find time for you that rarely comes. Good luck.
And yet another was all about how great he is, what his feelings were and what he wanted and how it was your job to fulfill him because you're the girl de jour. Oh, brother. Needy needy needy!
So what did they have in common? Educated professionals respected in their field and appeared to be able to function within society, but could not seem to sustain normal relations with a female. They are interesting to talk to initially, possibly even entertaining, so you engage them. I really wonder how they grow into being this way. Are these men looking ultimately for a nurturing mother figure... a relationship they did not get from their own mother as children? Or are they so highly prized in their own little heads from the BS that everyone feeds them that they think no one woman is ever truly perfect and they continue a fruitless search for someone who doesn't exist. It's sad really.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
New Years Resolutions
I think New Years resolutions are a waste of your time. If you want to make a change, whatever it may be, you are going to do it no matter what time of the year it is. You don't have to wait until January 1st rolls around to get you to make a change. Change ultimately comes from within. When you are ready and willing as well as mentally and physically prepared, and hopefully with a support system in place to reinforce your decision in wanting to change, you will make it happen for yourself.
Everyone is so into the quick fix and the easy way to do things, but I've found that most of the time, you are going to be let down by instant success with little to no effort on your part. It's hollow and it's short lived.
Sometimes, the more difficult road can be the most rewarding.
Everyone is so into the quick fix and the easy way to do things, but I've found that most of the time, you are going to be let down by instant success with little to no effort on your part. It's hollow and it's short lived.
Sometimes, the more difficult road can be the most rewarding.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
130 Days
This is the letter I wrote in response to being dumped on voicemail after the holidays. The lesson I learned dating this guy is listen to your gut feeling and don't let things drag on longer than they need to. There are bigger, better and more fish in the sea.
**********************************************************************************
I don’t imagine you will read this email at all. You’ll probably delete it to spare your feelings and diminish mine because that’s just the way you are with your ego. But if you do find the courage to read this, I have to tell you I’m sorry for getting so involved so fast if at all. Having a relationship with you seemed promising, but it just was not in the cards. Your life simply has very little room in it for me and I allowed my involvement to go on far too long.
My roughly 130 day relationship with you was punctuated in the beginning with the death of your neighbor and you calling me about every ten minutes while I was dealing with a business client and then the death of your guinea pig. I watched you coil into a fetal position and cry “your mom and everyone only wants you for your how much money you can make for them”, after the animal died which was clearly not the case with me because I could care less how well-off you think you are. I’ve dated men richer than you and I’ve dated men poorer than me and as long as they can pay their bills and I’m not paying for them all the time, I really don’t care what you make. And in the end with the announcement of your father’s heart attack, probably awaking the feelings of your own mortality more than ever because you talked about giving my son your personal property?, as well as the death of your cousin, which you didn’t even bother to tell me about until you were almost on your way home but conveniently got stuck in Seattle over New Years Eve and then we had that mishap with the airport. I mean, I called you and even texted you, too, for three hours while I waited for you to land, but you ignored me and never replied. You said you’d call when you got to the airport and you never did.
In between was approximately 12 days of you and me in bed and/or on dinner dates, one dedication ceremony for work and a few times at the lake. All the rest of the time, you seemed to be busy and working, exhausted, sick and even in the hospital and if you had the time, you weren’t interested in what I wanted to do. For instance, when I told you I thought It would be cool for us to go and kayak on the Newport Back Bay after watching a show on PBS, you thought it would be funny to run the jet ski through it and my idea was never brought up again. When you put parameters around me talking to you on the phone (remember when you said, “I talk all day on the phone at work so I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking to you on the phone, I rather talk to you in person”), to use a baseball analogy… was strike one. In person, exhausted from your long work day you wanted to eat then frequently fell asleep on the couch or in the club chair. Keeping the schedule that you do, whatever it is you make up for yourself, must be maintained for the benefit of the project and I understand that. With it out of control, it also wears on your health and runs you into the ground so much so you have no time or energy for me. Although there were other glaring instances I could mention, strike two was the three times I invited you to dinner either out or at my house thinking that you not having to cooking would be less of a strain on you but you didn’t even acknowledge that. I guess my choices are not good enough for you, so they were dismissed. No one had ever died from my cooking and my friends seem to like the places I eat out at, so maybe that was just your own personal hang-up.
The third strike was the level of communication you had with me versus your construction friends. It was clearly different… like when you slipped and said you told one of then that ‘she likes to fuck, she’d never say no to that’ or how you said that you couldn’t wait to tell them and so they would laugh their head off about me yelling ‘no’ a million times on the back of the jet ski, something I had never did before in my life and was absolutely terrified about because I’m not a fan of deep water. It wasn’t funny, it was cruel. Or the email you sent bout how stockbrokers should jump out of the windows of the NYSE because the market got so bad due to the housing crisis. You knew I worked in the financial field for years and I felt that was totally insensitive of you. I can only imagine what else you told them about making me out to be the butt of your jokes.
I’m not going to even get into your random acts of drunkenness, public or otherwise. You know what those were because even you said you drink too much and it’s because of the stress level you deal with at work. That moment of personal clarity and your ability to self-correct on that one element gave me a glimmer of hope things might get better about the other aspects of your life, too, but I guess that was too much to wish for. Oh yeah, you’re scratchy eyes were caused by you drinking too much wine all the time – nothing more and nothing less. Your eyes need to be hydrated with something other than wine, so on a wine drinking binge when your liver and kidneys get overloaded with it, that’s what happens – that sand in your eyes feeling. That and the onset of adult acne. Now I understand part of the reason what the witch hazel was used for.
But to top it off, the holiday season, November and December, was the worst and it was the most lonely and depressing time for me ever. On Thanksgiving, you were sick yet again and so into your own incapacity, you never picked up the phone when I called and then failed to call me and let me know you having my son and I over for Thanksgiving dinner was cancelled. When I showed up on your doorstep, I’m sorry I even gave my son the opportunity to shake your hand because up until that point he thought you were just a figment of my imagination when I talked about you. I ended up salvaging the meal and we had turkey after all that weekend, but you never bothered to ask what I did or to reschedule. After that, we never seemed to get back on track. I put together a gift basket for you for Christmas of Asian food from your favorite store and two different cook books with the thought that you enjoy cooking so much, told you I wanted to deliver it, but you never found the time to accept it in person. I just left it on your doorstep and you didn’t even bother to say ‘thank you’ later.
The last time I talked to you on the phone, and I had not seen you in 5 weeks by then, you informed me that it was my job to interrogate you so that I could learn the details of what is going on in your life. I stood there dumbfounded because, hey, isn’t sharing your feelings and the details of your life however mundane they may be just simple human communication?
You have been through some of the most stressful times in your life since we met in August and it took its toll on whatever relationship was eked out in between. Thanks for leaving me a message on voicemail that you are not going to be calling me anymore.
**********************************************************************************
I don’t imagine you will read this email at all. You’ll probably delete it to spare your feelings and diminish mine because that’s just the way you are with your ego. But if you do find the courage to read this, I have to tell you I’m sorry for getting so involved so fast if at all. Having a relationship with you seemed promising, but it just was not in the cards. Your life simply has very little room in it for me and I allowed my involvement to go on far too long.
My roughly 130 day relationship with you was punctuated in the beginning with the death of your neighbor and you calling me about every ten minutes while I was dealing with a business client and then the death of your guinea pig. I watched you coil into a fetal position and cry “your mom and everyone only wants you for your how much money you can make for them”, after the animal died which was clearly not the case with me because I could care less how well-off you think you are. I’ve dated men richer than you and I’ve dated men poorer than me and as long as they can pay their bills and I’m not paying for them all the time, I really don’t care what you make. And in the end with the announcement of your father’s heart attack, probably awaking the feelings of your own mortality more than ever because you talked about giving my son your personal property?, as well as the death of your cousin, which you didn’t even bother to tell me about until you were almost on your way home but conveniently got stuck in Seattle over New Years Eve and then we had that mishap with the airport. I mean, I called you and even texted you, too, for three hours while I waited for you to land, but you ignored me and never replied. You said you’d call when you got to the airport and you never did.
In between was approximately 12 days of you and me in bed and/or on dinner dates, one dedication ceremony for work and a few times at the lake. All the rest of the time, you seemed to be busy and working, exhausted, sick and even in the hospital and if you had the time, you weren’t interested in what I wanted to do. For instance, when I told you I thought It would be cool for us to go and kayak on the Newport Back Bay after watching a show on PBS, you thought it would be funny to run the jet ski through it and my idea was never brought up again. When you put parameters around me talking to you on the phone (remember when you said, “I talk all day on the phone at work so I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking to you on the phone, I rather talk to you in person”), to use a baseball analogy… was strike one. In person, exhausted from your long work day you wanted to eat then frequently fell asleep on the couch or in the club chair. Keeping the schedule that you do, whatever it is you make up for yourself, must be maintained for the benefit of the project and I understand that. With it out of control, it also wears on your health and runs you into the ground so much so you have no time or energy for me. Although there were other glaring instances I could mention, strike two was the three times I invited you to dinner either out or at my house thinking that you not having to cooking would be less of a strain on you but you didn’t even acknowledge that. I guess my choices are not good enough for you, so they were dismissed. No one had ever died from my cooking and my friends seem to like the places I eat out at, so maybe that was just your own personal hang-up.
The third strike was the level of communication you had with me versus your construction friends. It was clearly different… like when you slipped and said you told one of then that ‘she likes to fuck, she’d never say no to that’ or how you said that you couldn’t wait to tell them and so they would laugh their head off about me yelling ‘no’ a million times on the back of the jet ski, something I had never did before in my life and was absolutely terrified about because I’m not a fan of deep water. It wasn’t funny, it was cruel. Or the email you sent bout how stockbrokers should jump out of the windows of the NYSE because the market got so bad due to the housing crisis. You knew I worked in the financial field for years and I felt that was totally insensitive of you. I can only imagine what else you told them about making me out to be the butt of your jokes.
I’m not going to even get into your random acts of drunkenness, public or otherwise. You know what those were because even you said you drink too much and it’s because of the stress level you deal with at work. That moment of personal clarity and your ability to self-correct on that one element gave me a glimmer of hope things might get better about the other aspects of your life, too, but I guess that was too much to wish for. Oh yeah, you’re scratchy eyes were caused by you drinking too much wine all the time – nothing more and nothing less. Your eyes need to be hydrated with something other than wine, so on a wine drinking binge when your liver and kidneys get overloaded with it, that’s what happens – that sand in your eyes feeling. That and the onset of adult acne. Now I understand part of the reason what the witch hazel was used for.
But to top it off, the holiday season, November and December, was the worst and it was the most lonely and depressing time for me ever. On Thanksgiving, you were sick yet again and so into your own incapacity, you never picked up the phone when I called and then failed to call me and let me know you having my son and I over for Thanksgiving dinner was cancelled. When I showed up on your doorstep, I’m sorry I even gave my son the opportunity to shake your hand because up until that point he thought you were just a figment of my imagination when I talked about you. I ended up salvaging the meal and we had turkey after all that weekend, but you never bothered to ask what I did or to reschedule. After that, we never seemed to get back on track. I put together a gift basket for you for Christmas of Asian food from your favorite store and two different cook books with the thought that you enjoy cooking so much, told you I wanted to deliver it, but you never found the time to accept it in person. I just left it on your doorstep and you didn’t even bother to say ‘thank you’ later.
The last time I talked to you on the phone, and I had not seen you in 5 weeks by then, you informed me that it was my job to interrogate you so that I could learn the details of what is going on in your life. I stood there dumbfounded because, hey, isn’t sharing your feelings and the details of your life however mundane they may be just simple human communication?
You have been through some of the most stressful times in your life since we met in August and it took its toll on whatever relationship was eked out in between. Thanks for leaving me a message on voicemail that you are not going to be calling me anymore.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The New Year
It's Thursday, January 1st, 2009, and I'm at home on my day off from work, the same as a lot of people are on this day. I know it's technically a "new" year, but I don't want to be let down again by the promise of a better tomorrow when all today really signifies is the beginning of another year with the same old crap challenging me once more.
2009 also marks the 25th anniversary of when I graduated from high school. And I also have mixed emotions about that. I definitely have it better than now my mother or father did at this stage in their life. But what did I really accomplish here? I wanted something for myself, but that changed with my life situation and I image it happens to a lot of women because of the demand of family and children. Honestly, I don't know what I expected to have going on at this time because I could never see myself being 42. You see, I graduated in 1984, so the biggest deal for us graduating from high school then was what our lives would be like in the year 2000. Well, it's beyond that now, and although technology has improved, transportation and the economy are now moving slower than ever.
2008 marked the first time in my life that I had been laid off from a job. It was nothing I did, rather, the company went out of business. It shutters you from thinking ahead because all you can really focus on is what you're trying to deal with today. Now that I'm working as a contractor, also a first in my life, I feel that I can pay my bills at least, but for what I'm doing, I know there is no future in it and I feel unstable with no health care benefits. I mean, knowing that I am one major medical illness away from a total financial meltdown is unsettling. It makes me look for a better job. It makes me look into training so I can get into a different career.
2009 also marks the 25th anniversary of when I graduated from high school. And I also have mixed emotions about that. I definitely have it better than now my mother or father did at this stage in their life. But what did I really accomplish here? I wanted something for myself, but that changed with my life situation and I image it happens to a lot of women because of the demand of family and children. Honestly, I don't know what I expected to have going on at this time because I could never see myself being 42. You see, I graduated in 1984, so the biggest deal for us graduating from high school then was what our lives would be like in the year 2000. Well, it's beyond that now, and although technology has improved, transportation and the economy are now moving slower than ever.
2008 marked the first time in my life that I had been laid off from a job. It was nothing I did, rather, the company went out of business. It shutters you from thinking ahead because all you can really focus on is what you're trying to deal with today. Now that I'm working as a contractor, also a first in my life, I feel that I can pay my bills at least, but for what I'm doing, I know there is no future in it and I feel unstable with no health care benefits. I mean, knowing that I am one major medical illness away from a total financial meltdown is unsettling. It makes me look for a better job. It makes me look into training so I can get into a different career.
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